Jokes

These are the jokes I've heard and enjoyed, and that I like to tell. Mostly I just hear them from friends and co-workers. If you laugh at these, then you and I are kindred spirits.

My wife laughs at very few jokes, but there are a few here that make even her chuckle!

 

Stories

Meat, Cheese!

The old inventor, known to the patent office for some very absurd inventions, comes beaming into the office, shouting "I've done it!". The young clerk humors the old man, asking what he means. In response the old inventor pulls out his invention and plops it on the counter.

What the clerk sees is a long thin razor blade, with a sharp metal spike on each end. Not understanding what it is for, the clerk asks the old inventor for an explanation.

The old inventor is clearly disappointed that the clerk did not recognize the invention, so he says "Well, young man, this is the world's greatest mousetrap! Here's how it works!"

"You see this spike on the left, you put a piece of meat on it. And you see this spike on the right, you put a piece of cheese on it. Then, what happens is the mouse walks up and sticks his head over the razor blade and shouts 'Meat, Cheese!', slicing his throat."

The clerk can't believe what a stupid invention this is, but wants to let the old inventor down easily. So he says "Well old man, that really is an amazing invention. But you know, to be a great invention it must also be affordable. And with the price of meat and the price of cheese these days, not many people can afford your invention!".

The old inventor was disappointed, but agreed that there was a flaw in his invention and left the patent office. The clerk felt good that he let the old inventor down gently.

The very next day, however, the old inventor returns and is very excited, shouting "I fixed it! Look at it now!" and puts the invention back on the table.

The clerk sees it, but it is exactly what he saw yesterday. But before the clerk can complain, the old inventor says "Yes, I know it looks the same, but let me tell you how it works now!"

So the old inventor continues "You see this spike on the left? Well you don't put a piece of meat on it. And you see this spike on the right? Well, you don't put a piece of cheese on it. And what happens is that the mouse walks up and sticks his head over the razor blade. Turning his head from left to right the mouse shouts 'No meat, no cheese!' and slices his throat!".

No Ears

Three college guys are returning home from college when their car breaks down. A local farmer invites them to stay the night while the car is being fixed, but cautions the guys not to make fun of his son, who was born without any ears. The college guys agree.

At dinner time, the college guys are at the table when the farmer's son comes to the table.

The first college guy tries not to stare, but it was so fascinating - the boy had no ears and the area where the ears should have been was as smooth as a baby's butt. So he stares!

The boy starts crying and the farmer chastises the college guy for staring, and in self-defense, the college guy says "I wasn't staring at his ears, I was starting at his .... his hair! The boy has such nice shiny hair and he needs to take good care of it or else (and the college guy takes off a toupee) he will lose it like I did!"

This gets the college guy out of trouble, the farmer apologizing for thinking that the college boy was starting.

The second college guy also tries not to stare, but it really was so fascinating - so he forgets and stares!

The boy starts crying and the farmer chastises the college guy for staring, and in self-defense, the college guy says "I wasn't staring at his ears, I was starting at his .... his teeth! The boy has such nice white hair and he needs to take good care of them or else (and the college guy takes out his dentures) he will lose them like I did!"

This gets the college guy out of trouble, the farmer apologizing for thinking that the college boy was starting.

The third college guy can't help but be fascinated by the boy, so he also starts to stare.

The boy starts crying and the farmer chastises the college guy for staring, and in self-defense, the college guy says "I wasn't staring at his ears, I was staring at his .... his eyes! The boy has such nice clear eyes and he needs to take good care of them or else he'll have to wear glasses like I do .. (and the college guy starts to take off his glasses, but then stops to think) .. oh, you can't wear glasses 'cause you ain't got no ears!

Aggie at Harvard

The Texas Aggie is attending Harvard and stops an upper classman to ask for directions. "Can you tell me where the library's at?" says the Aggie.

With a snooty, condescending tone, the upper classman says "At Harvard, we don't end our sentences with prepositions!"

Taken aback, the Aggie pauses, then says "Well then, can you tell me where the library's at, ASSHOLE!"

One-Liners

Klop

What goes klop, klop, klop ... bang, bang ... klop, klop, klop?

Amish drive-by shooting

Adam

What did Adam say to Eve the first time he became aroused?

Stand back! I don't know how big this thing is going to get!

Drown

How do you keep a man from drowning?

Take your foot off his head!

Side

Why can little boys lay on their side and little girls can't?

Little boys have kickstands!

Engineers

What do engineers use for birth control?

Their personalities

Snail

What does a snail say when riding on the back of a turtle?

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!

No Arms, No legs

Ok, this is really a series of one liners:

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, ...

Math

Q: What are squares scared of?
A: Vicious circles.

Q: What does the zero say to the eight?
A: Nice belt!

Theorem. A cat has nine tails.
Proof. No cat has eight tails. Since one cat has one more tail than no cat, it must have nine tails.

Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four...

Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children?
A: `I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times...'

Three statisticians go hunting. When they see a rabbit, the first one shoots, missing it on the left. The second one shoots and misses it on the right. The third one shouts: "We've hit it!"

"Statistics shows that most people are abnormal!"
"How that?"
"According to statistics, a normal person has one breast and one testicle..."

Q: How can you tell that a mathematician is extroverted?
A: When talking to you, he looks at your shoes instead of at his.

When the math professor's wife returns home from work, she finds an envelope on the living room table. She opens it and finds a letter from her husband:

My dearest wife,
We have been married for nearly thirty years, and I still love you as much as on the day I proposed. You must realize, however, that you are now 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I very much hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I'm in a hotel room with an 18-year-old freshman girl from my calculus class. I'll be home before midnight.

Your husband, who will never stop loving you.

When the professor returns from the hotel shortly before midnight, he also finds an envelope in the living room. He opens it and reads:

My beloved husband,
You may recall that you, too, are 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I thus hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I am in a hotel room with the 18-year-old pool boy.

Your loving wife.

P.S. As a mathematician, you are certainly aware of the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't stay up and wait for me.

A logician at Safeway.
"Paper or plastic?"
"Not 'not paper and not plastic'!"

"Wasn't yesterday your and your wife's first wedding anniversary? What is it like having being married to a mathematician for a whole year?"
"She just filed for divorce..."
"I don't believe it! Did you forget about your wedding day?"
"No. Actually, on my way back home from work, I stopped at a flower store and bought a bouquet of red roses for my wife. When I came home, I gave her the roses and said: `I love you.'"
"So, what happened?!"
"Well, she took the roses, slapped them around my face, kicked me in the groin, and threw me out of our apartment..."
"What a bitch!"
"No, no... it's all my fault... I should have said: `I love you and only you.'."

"The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please, rotate your phone by 90 degrees and try again..."

Q: Do you already know the latest stats joke?
A: Probably...

Q: Why do mathematicians often confuse Christmas and Halloween?
A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

At the end of his course on mathematical methods in optimization, the professor sternly looks at his students and says: "There is one final piece of advice I'm going to give you now: Whatever you have learned in my course - never ever try to apply it to your personal lives!"
"Why?" the students ask.
"Well, some years ago, I observed my wife preparing breakfast, and I noticed that she wasted a lot of time walking back and forth in the kitchen. So, I went to work, optimized the whole procedure, and told my wife about it."
"And what happened?!"
"Before I applied my expert knowledge, my wife needed about half an hour to prepare breakfast for the two of us. And now, it takes me less than fifteen minutes..."

"My life is all arithmetic", the young businesswoman explains. "I try to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying..."

A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math.
The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?"
"You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!"

The mother of already three is pregnant with her fourth child.
One evening, the eldest daughter says to her dad: "Do you know, daddy, what I've found out?"
"No."
"The new baby will be Chinese!"
"What?!"
"Yes. I've read in the paper that statistics shows that every fourth child born nowadays is Chinese..."

A math student and a computer science student are jogging together in a park when they hear a voice: "Please, help me!"
They stop and look. The voice belongs to a frog sitting in the grass.
"Please, help me!" the frog repeats. "I'm not really a frog: I'm an enchanted, beautiful princess. Kiss me, and the spell will be broken - and I will be yours forever..."
The CS student picks up the frog and examines it carefully from all sides - making not even an attempt to kiss it.
"You don't have to marry me", the frog continues frantically, "if you're afraid of the commitment. I'll do whatever you wish me to do if you just kiss me..."
The frog's voice is silenced, when the CS student puts the animal into the right pocket of his pants.
"But why don't you kiss her?!" the math student asks.
"You know", the CS student replies, "I simply don't have time for a girlfriend - but a frog that talks makes a really cool pet..."

Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flag pole. They only have a measuring tape and are quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole: It falls down all the time.
A mathematician comes along and asks what they are doing. They explain it to him.
"Well, that's easy..."
He pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it easily.
After he has left, one of the engineers says: "That's so typical of these mathematicians! What we need is the height - and he gives us the length!"

In a class, a math professor claims that he can prove everything under the assumption that 1+1=1.
A student challenges him: "Then prove that you're the pope!"
He ponders for a moment and then replies: "I am one, and the pope is one. Therefore, the pope and I are one."

One evening Rene Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The tender approached and said, "Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?".
Descartes replied, "I think not.", and promptly vanished.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

The difference between an introvert and extrovert mathematicians is: An introvert mathematician looks at his shoes while talking to you. An extrovert mathematician looks at your shoes.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel.
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.

A mathematician and an engineer are on desert island. They find two palm trees with one coconut each. The engineer shins up one tree, gets the coconut, eats. The mathematician shins up the other tree, gets the coconut, climbs the other tree and puts it there. "Now we've reduced it to a problem we know how to solve."

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."
"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black."
"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"

Two male mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed.

She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"?
He repeats "one third x cubed".
Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd...".

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?". The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant!"

"This is a one line proof...if we start sufficiently far to the left."

What keeps a square from moving ? why, square roots of course.
How many square roots does it have ? why, 2 obviously.

Algebra is x-sighting.
Vectors can be 'arrowing.
I'm partial to fractions.
I like angles ... to a degree.
I could go on and on about sequences.
Translations are shifty.
Complex numbers are unreal.
I feel positive about integers.a
On average, people are mean.

Images

Nathanisms

We keep track of particularly interesting/funny things my grandson, Nathan Beene, says. I think you'll laugh too!

Biological Wizard

In a discussion of parthenogenesis in the animal kingdom, I explained to Nathan that it meant females having children without men. As a child without a father in the home, Nathan thought he understood, and immediately said "That's just like my mom did!". It took supreme effort for us not to roll in the floor laughing!

Zombies

While visiting a grandparent at a nursing home, Nathan saw many residents who were experiencing difficulty walking - stiff legs, slow pace, and little mobility. When we left he said to me "Papa Beene, Senior Citizens remind me of zombies!". Sad, but true.

Girls Already?

Remembering that Nathan is still young (almost 8 now), we were talking about dressing nicely. He informed me that he wanted to look nice for the girls. He's about 8 years ahead of where I was at that age!

Calling All Teachers

So we were talking about where people were from and the subject of people from another country came up. "I'm from another country - Oklahoma." Nathan says (he was born there). I told him that Oklahoma is a state, not a country. Nancy chimed in with "Yes Nathan, a state is like London, or Europe!". It sounds like I'll be enrolling 2 students in geography class!

A Toe by Any Other Name

Nathan was telling us about having cut his foot, so we asked to see it. We were holding his foot but couldn't see where the cut was, so we asked him which toe it was. "The thumb!", he answered! Sad thing is, we knew exactly what he meant.

Fisherman - NOT!

I took Nathan on his first fishing trip last weekend and he really enjoyed himself. Between us we caught about 20 fish, including 8 perch big enough to take home. He was a bit squeamish about gutting/cleaning the fish and when I asked him to help wash the fish after I scaled them, he put on a big pair of yellow rubber gloves, the kind Nancy uses for cleaning the house. He is such a city boy!

Last Name Logic

Nathan and I were talking about California and he told me that was where his father lived. Nathan has never seen his father, but talks about him often. I asked Nathan what was his father's name? He told me "Greg". When I asked what his father's last name was, Nathan thought about it, and very seriously told me "Well, Papa Beene, I guess his last name is Beene, 'cause that's my last name!". It made perfect sense to me!

New Starbuck Offering

Nathan had gone to Starbucks and we asked him what he had bought. "Strawberry crappuccino", he says. We wondered what he would get if he actually ordered that from Starbucks!

Coin Toss

Nathan was at the table, showing Nancy how to spin a coin. He and I had been working on flipping a coin so I told him to show Nancy. He turns to her and says "Nancy, head or toes!" - close, but not quite right.

It Sounds Like Hell

Nathan was in the back seat of the car, listening to music on a CD player. Nancy and I heard him repeating the phrase "I said Hell!", over and over. I had Nancy listen to the music player, which was saying "Hail!", as in "Hail Caesar!". We clarified for Nathan which of the two was okay to say!

God's TV

We were passing the Dallas Cowboy stadium and my wife was explaining to Nathan that the roof has a big hole built into it. I told him that it was so that God could watch the Cowboys play. "Doesn't God have a TV?", he said!

Worst Case Guess

We were calling my sister tonight, just to say hello. Nathan had the phone and after it rang several times with no answer, he said "Well, I guess they're dead, or something!". We certainly hope it's the something!

Texas Manners

Is he a Texan or what? Nathan and I were over at Arlene's and he wanted to ask her a question. She and I were talking so Nathan says "Excuse me, ma'am" - totally Texan thing to say!

God's Will Be Done

So I was complaining to Nathan about why Nancy gets to keep her car in the garage and I have to keep my car out on the street. So Nathan tells me "Because God made it that way". What could I say?

Who's Patronizing Whom

So Nathan and I are in the car and he's asking me about every sign there is - he spells it and asks me what it means. B..A..N..K , B..O..O..T..S. Then we see a sign "BROOKS", which is a local music company. I try to find a way to describe it so he knows what I mean, so I say "A company that sells music stuff, like pianos and guitars!". Nathan surprises me and says, "Oh Papa, you mean instruments?". I laughed out loud - he knew words I didn't expect him to know!

By Any Other Name

Nancy was telling Nathan that he needed to eat some vegetables for dinner. He told her "I don't like vegetables, but I will eat some corn!".

Young Engineer

I was teaching Nathan how the left hand thumb and forefinger make the letter L - signifying the left hand. So, he said "L is for left and not-L is for right!" It made a electronics engineer proud that my grandson was learning Boolean logic at such an early age!

In the Spotlight

Nathan and PaPa Beene went to the baseball park so he could run the bases. When we got there the bases were removed but it looked like someone had paint the dirt orange to show where the bases should be. Turns out that the setting sun just happened to reflect, from the overhead lights, a dull orange reflection exactly where the bases should have been! Spooky!

Were We Like That

Holly was slow getting out of bed on a school day and Nathan had already bathed and dressed. The ran to her bed and yelled "Mommy GET UP! I want to go to school!" - you have to love the attitude (not quite the one I had when I was that age).

The Thought Was There

Nathan and I, his mother, were out shopping when he saw a bag of pork skins chips. He looked at me and said "Mama, are those pig chips"!!!! The girl in front of us just turned around and laughed :)

Using the Words He Knows

Nathan was with me in the closet, where Nancy keeps several bottles of perfume. He pointed to them and said, "Who do all these smell-goods belong to?". When he doesn't know the word for something he does the best he can!

How Many Chances Has He Had

Nathan and I, his mother, were talking and I was questioning him about something he said. He then looks at me with this little grin and squinted eyes and says "Mom, have I ever steered you wrong?"

Call It Just Like It Sounds

I asked Nathan if he had a bicycle. He said yes, and that it had a "honker" on it (meaning a horn!).

Alaska Comes To Texas

When asked a questions, Nathan has begun to say "Yepper", instead of yes. He got that from him Mom or Aunt (I don't know which), when he was in Alaska.

Stomp Your Feet Now and Then

Nathan got in trouble and had to sit quietly in a spot on the floor until I let him play again. Unfortunately, he started pouting and lay down in a pity-pile in the floor on the other side of a chair - out of sight. He was so quiet that I forgot he was there. I had to be reminded by family to tell him he could go play! Poor Nathan!

Nathan in Charge

When Nancy and I were at breakfast Nathan invented a game for us to play. When we asked how to win the game, he said "I will be the winner-sayer!". Guess he didn't know the word referee or judge.

It's All in How You Ask

Nathan spent the night at my place. I was awakened at 6am and Nathan whispered - "Papa Beene, would you do me a favor?". I asked what it was and he said "Can I play crayola games?" - meaning the www.crayolo.com online games. At 6am in the morning! I guess there's no time like the present to play.

Watch Me, Please

Nathan was at the Howard's lakehouse, playing with Colton, 7 years old. Colton was running on the cement outside and fell, resulting in a nasty, bloody scrape on his hip. He was crying horribly, and was inside getting tended to by Brenda. Colton was being coddled by everyone b/c the scrape was so bad. The whole time, Nathan was watching all of this attention. I guess he decided he needed some too. So he came up to Brenda and showed her his pinky and said it REALLY hurt, and he needed a band-aid. In truth, nothing was wrong...he just didn't want the attention off of him. So to humor him, Brenda gave him a band-aid for that 'hurt' finger and told him he probably needed a band-aid more for his feelings rather than his finger. Nathan told her he agreed with her. Not 2 minutes later, the band-aid was ripped off and thrown away.

Come On, Give Grandpa Some Attention

I called Nathan to tell him that I called to say I loved him and to wish him a happy birthday. When I said those two things he said "Is that all you wanted to tell me?". I said yes and he said "Ok, goodbye" and hung up on me! I guess he didn't have time to chat, or anything to say himself. He was about to have his birthday party at his Nana's and was a bit pre-occupied!

4 Year Old Boy Patronizes a 30 Year Old Woman

Carmon had asked Nathan what his teacher's name was and she needed him to repeat it because the phone connection was poor. On the third repeat, an exasperated Nathan said to Carmon - "Aunt Carmon, now say it with me ... Miss Gilbert!". There's no slight like being patronized by a 4 year old!

My Dear Holmes

After coming downstairs Nathan and I couldn't find Nancy. He spotted a Gummy Bear candy on the floor. It was in direct line between the candy jar and the front door. He explained to me that Nancy had gone for a walk and had dropped the candy on the way out. Turns out he was exactly correct! What a detective he will make!

We Know Where He Heard This

Nathan says " Mom, I'm not going to argue about this anymore" after many uh-huhs and uh-uhs about something Mom can't even remember.

Calls It Like He Sees It

While in the traffic of a Rangers baseball game just letting out Nathan yells, "Why is everyone Bustin' out of here??"

Big Shoulders for a Little Man

Nathan, Carvey and Amy went to the Rangers game. When we got there, we realized the game time had been changed and it was at 3pm instead of 7pm. Amy and Carvey told Nathan they were so sorry, but we were not going to the game. Nathan said, "It's okay, guys....we can go to another one" while rubbing Amy's shoulder (consoling her).

Well, It's In the Same Place as a Bone

Nathan didn't know the word for the center part of corn on the cob, so he told Nancy "Don't eat the bone of the corn!".

The Big Question About Women

Nathan's bathing and I'm taking a shower, at which point he says "I can see your teetee". I told him "Yep, all boys have one". And he says "Girls too?". "Nope, I say". Then right to the big question he says "But how can they go pee?"

Yes, He Is An Engineer's Grandson

So Nancy is explaining to Nathan about children losing teeth and growing their permanent ones. She tells him that the tooth fairy will take the tooth if it's left under the pillow, and leave money. Rather than ask how much, or say 'gross', Nathan asks "What does she do with them?".

Feeling His Oats

Today, at Tom Thumb, Nathan had a piece of trash and reached down to the floor slowly to throw it down - the whole while, looking me right in the eye. If I hadn't told him to put the trash in the trash can, he would have left it right there on the floor!

He Has a Plan

Papa Beene, can I have 4 pieces of candy - 'cause I'm four years old. (We've heard this one a lot!)

It's Always Someone Else's Fault

Nancy, it's your fault. You made me eat too much licorice and my tummy hurts! (This was days after the event but he remembered to blame someone)

Startled Elocution

When renting movies with Papa Beene, Nathan wanted Power Rangers. We find just a couple, but then chanced onto over a dozen. He was amazed and yelled out "Oh my God!". Wonder where he picked that up?

Well, Excuse Us

Nancy and Gary, I want you to be quiet so I can relax myself ... (when Nancy and I were talking too loud?)

We Use the Same Tactic When We Were Kids

PaPa Beene, I was talking to Nancy ... (when Papa Beene wasn't going to let him have some candy Nathan was asking for, and Nancy was close by)

Who Made You King

I'll call the construction company and tell them I'm very angry ... (for not having the train track run parallel to the road so he could watch a train go by).

Dream On Little Man

While Amy was bringing Nathan to PaPa Beene's house she stopped at a 7-11. When they went inside, Nathan said "Amy, anything I point at you're supposed to buy me."

Think It, But Don't Say It

While watching a cartoon super-hero show, Nathan yelled out: "What the hell are they doing?" - several times in fact. That got him 5 minutes in the middle of the floor - a time out. TV off, toy gun down, and crying on Nathan's part. He begged me not to tell Nancy, Nana, or his Mommy.

Word Games at Age 5

Nathan and his Nana were talking about roadside reflector signs and when Nathan seemed to understand the concept, his Nana said "We're quite the pair!", to which Nathan replied No Nana, we're apples!"